LKM On Love and Marriage

The four-letter word "love" has been widely bandied-about in society over the decades, to mean many different things to many different people. In this connection, the notion and institution of marriage is deeply involved: today, America is witness to a shameful(shameless?)50% divorce rate, signaling a break-down in the institution of marriage.

Understandably, divorcing couples will emphatically claim that the undoing of their marital relation is strictly their own private business, and nobody elses. But when our national divorce rate stands at 50%, resulting in several adverse economic and socio-political impacts upon the public-at-large, whose business is the integrity of marriage then?

True love is to say that we value other people, for a possible variety of reasons. It also means that the basis of our value in relation to other people is not fleeting or transitory, but is rooted in eternal religious and other absolute truths, no matter how inconvenient they may be to us at the spur of the moment. True love, like God's word and the U.S. Constitution, must continue even when it pinches, as well as when it comforts. Otherwise, we have no word of God, no U.S. Constitution, and worst of all, no true love.

Divorce is no less than a signal failure to ascribe to the moral standard demanded by true love. It most likely is symptomatic of an attitude of "what is in this marriage for me?", rather than an attitude of "what can I give to this marriage to improve it?" Contrary to popular opinion, marriage never autonomously and automatically "works out" for anybody; rather, married people must constantly work at it, as a life-long project. This does not give license to regard one's marriage partner as their "extreme make-over project", although striking a balance between corrections and compliments is certainly very desirable.

Most likely, marriages fail because one partner has unrealistically high expectations from the other. We do not live in a perfect world; rather, the Bible tells us truthfully that we live in a sinful and fallen world. Given that fact, the Bible counsels us to forgive other people their sins to the same extent we would like to be forgiven our sins. "Mr. Perfect" and "Mrs. Perfect" exist in fairy-tale stories only, and not anywhere in the real world. While we may expect any one person chosen at random to meet some of our demands and desires, in no way can any one other person meet all of our demands and desires, to our satisfaction. Why then do we demand that of marriage partners, whom we regard as special? Jesus Christ counseled His disciples to pray with the words, "forgive us our sins, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST US". This means we are not asking God for carte blanche blank-check uconditional forgiveness of our own sins and failures. Rather, we petition Him to use the same measure of mercy upon us that we use in our evaluation of other people--including our marriage partners.

This writer has his own marital standards he expects in any marriage partner. These are: 1)Understands and values what I have to offer her, to make her life better. Does not compare me with other men, to insist that I be like them. 2)Does not ever use tobacco, alcoholic beverages or narcotic drugs. 3)Socializes with other people outside the family within limits of modesty and decency, without being sexually promiscuous. Is not an "every man's woman". 4)Accepts financial responsibility, lives within her own financial means and never has debts. 5)Being of my own race is preferable, but is not absolutely required. 6)Instructs me and builds me up tactfully and diplomatically without tearing me down in abject contempt. 7)Is of Christian ethos and understanding, but exact church denomination or membership is not important. 8)Highly values education, sees self as a life-long learner. 9)Is approximately of my generation, not either a mother or a daughter, chronologically or spiritually. 10)Being a great cook is "a consummation devoutly to be wished"(to borrow words from William Shakespeare), but is not an absolute requirement. Still, women should honor the old adage that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

If we divorce our marriage partners for having personal failures ABC which we do not like, and marry another, that second marriage partner may well not have failures ABC, but could well have personal failures XYZ, which we also do not like. Nobody anywhere "has it all, says it all and does it all" perfectly at all times, from A to Z. The same as what President Abraham Lincoln once said about fooling people, should also be said about pleasing people: "You can please some people all the time; you can please all people some of the time, BUT YOU CAN'T PLEASE ALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME." Persons considering divorce should keep this thought always in the forefront of their minds.

When Richard Nixon was this nation's President, there occurred a vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court. To fill that vacancy, President Nixon chose judge G. Harrold Carswell of Florida. But as the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee was looking over his record as a judge and a lawyer, they said it was mediocre. Yessirree, MEE-DEE-OCRE!--whereupon, Senator Roman Hrushka of Nebraska, a committee member, said with an apologetic demeanor, "THERE ARE A LOT OF MEDIOCRE JUDGES AND LAWYERS IN THE COUNTRY! GIVE MEDIOCRITY A LITTLE REPRESENTATION!"

Divorce results when we say, "My husand/my wife is MEE-DEE-OCRE!", and we refuse to give mediocrity any representation in them. Then-news anchorman Eric Sevareid has the answer to this: if you have a baseball game in progress, and the batter hits the ball into the out-field, and the out-fielder always catches the ball, THATS BORING! On the other hand, if you have an out-fielder who sometimes misses the ball, THAT MAKES THE GAME MORE INTERESTING! So it also is, with the game of marriage.

-LKM